For The Sake Of Aaron
Celebrating Our Black Men

"Men for All Seasons" by Charles Bibbs

 

Black male/female relationships
Local Black men speak out on the state of relations between the sexes

by Tyran Saffold, Jr.
"Where are all the good Black men?" It is a question frequently asked by today’s Black women in regards to finding a mate. Where are they? Could they be in Prison? Strung out on drugs? Are they busy getting their professional life together first before even thinking of starting a family? Are they in the military, fighting overseas in Iraq or Afghanistan in the war against "terrorism?"

Or maybe they are too busy "taking advantage" of the fact that, according to the 2002 census, there are only 86 Black men for every 100 Black women.

The above statistic may be the best reason some of our Black men have for not settling down in a relationship. "Why should we," some must say collectively. "So many women, so little time!"

Compared to other ethnic groups, Black males have the lowest ratio of men per women. The 2002 Census reveals there are 97 White males per 100 White women, 92 Native Indian men per 100 Indian women, 95 Asian men per 100 Asian women, and 104 Hispanic men per 100 Hispanic women.

With the exception of the Hispanic ratio, women outnumber men in most cases. "There are too many beautiful women out here to just settle down," says Antuan Buchannon, a 24-year-old Black Milwaukeean.

But even "settling down" (getting married) to one beautiful woman does not mean a man will not be tempted to "stray" (cheat on their wives) buoyed by the fact that they are outnumbered by so many women.

According to a 2000 issue of "Minority Health," the number of Black couples who have divorced has increased, while the number of Black couples marrying has declined.

But there are Black men on the other end of the spectrum who are married, engaged to be married or in a healthy relationship with a woman. "It took me a while to find her, but when I did, I knew she was the one," said Deron Coleman in reference to meeting his fiancee two years ago.

Every Black woman should be so lucky to find someone like Coleman, an honest Black man sincerely searched for and found "Ms. Right."

But with "tabloid talk shows" like "Maury Povich’s" and "Jerry Springer’s," a Black woman would be hard pressed to believe there are any "good Black men" given the number of them who have been busted on these shows for cheating on their wives/girlfriends with a variety of other women ... and in some cases, men.

"I think women allow the way a man (or men) treated them in the past to affect their future relationships," said Buchanon.

Buchanon said if a man cheated on them before, the woman will take that into their next relationship and the next man they date could genuinely be a good man, but all the woman sees is her ex-husband or boyfriend. They think the new guy will do the same (negative) things as the others.

"That’s one reason why Black men, like myself, find it even harder to settle down because a lot of times, women don’t know how to leave the past in the past. They keep letting it affect their future. One of the worst things you can do to a man is accuse him (of cheating) when he is innocent."

A lot of the negative behaviors of Black men can, in fact, be connected to the mental affects of slavery. The mistreatment Black men suffered at the hands of slave owners--beating and selling them off--in front of Black women may have created an anomaly--a mind-set--within the Black man that makes many of them unable to settle-down--that he always has to be "on the move."

The fact that the number of divorces and single men has grown dramatically since the 1960s is startling, which is not to say Black men are the only promiscuous men on earth.

However, Black men are the only ethnic group to have been through 400 years of bondage and oppression. It’s only logical that we, the descendents of slaves are still impacted by the oppression that manifests itself in ways that impact on our view of our women, our relationships with them and marriage.

"It sounds like it could be true, like we could be effected mentally by slavery," Coleman said. "But at what point do we stop blaming everything on slavery? I mean, men can settle down. There has to be at least one woman out there for one man since we are out-numbered by them. I think that some men just don’t want to find that one woman."

There was a case in which one man, who declined to be identified for this story, who dated two women because neither one had all the qualities he wanted.

"Some men will use other women as supplements in order to satisfy their desires for their ‘perfect woman’," he said.

Women also have a lot to do with men deciding to settle down or not. As Buchanon said in regards to bringing baggage from past relationships into a new one, some women’s standards are all wrong.

"They want the man with the nice car, big house, or a grill. They want the thugs," said Chris Banks, 24, of Milwaukee. "Then you got somebody like me, a college graduate doing something with his life and I get overlooked."

Said Buchanon: "They want the guy with six figures and all that, and I’m like, ‘I don’t make that much, but I make enough and I won’t hit you upside the head when you mess up.’"

The fact that there are good men floating around is true. But, there is a phenomenon in which some women--regardless of race--are simply unable to accept at face value a relationship with a man who may actually be "Mr. Right."

So, they--the woman--messes-up a relationship that had the potential to be a good one.
But Black men must accept the fact that some of our "Brothas" don’t have a clue as to the importance of our women.

"We love our mothers, but we call our women ‘bitches’," said Leon Williams, 27, of Milwaukee.

Black men have allowed the image of Black women to weaken. They have gone from being "our queen" to "our bitch." Said Chicago born rapper, Common: "when we lessen our women, our condition seems to worsen."

Many Black men don’t realize that inside our Black women lies the pride of Africa. Unfortunately, promiscuous men continue to be promiscuous in the fog of who they are and who their women really are, their actions show it.

Good relationships are necessary for there to be good marriages. We must again look at ways to create good marriages. There in lie the strengths of our community.