Just Venting

First, there was "Man Law;" now "Thug Law!"

by Thomas E. Mitchell, Jr.
  Dear community,
I was listening to WTMJ AM’s conservative radio talk show host Charlie Sykes while driving to work Tuesday. He was talking about a series of television advertisements for Miller Lite Beer created by the Miller Brewing Company.

The ads show a group of supposedly macho guys--among them actor Burt Reynolds, comedian and actor Eddie Griffin, former Pittsburgh Steelers running back Jerome Bettis and WWE wrestler Triple H--creating what they call "Man Laws," a list of rules (or should that be "commandments") that all men should live by if they are to call themselves "real men."

The rules deal with everything from how long to wait before asking your best friend’s ex-girl friend (make that "hot" ex-girlfriend) out on a date, if it’s still macho and/or cool to crush a beer can with your forehead, and the preferred way to carry more than three bottles of beer back to a table of your "buds."

As I was listening to Charlie and his listeners go back and forth about the commercials and a minor complaint some feminists have lodged on the Web regarding the "You poke it, you own it" rule (relating to the aforementioned method for carrying beers), a thought came to mind.

Why not a series of rules for self-proclaimed and aspiring street hoodlums called "Thug Laws."

This list of "Thug Laws" was created from my own observations and those of several staff members. I hope that any thugs and "thugs in training" who read this will appreciate the time and effort our dedicated newspaper staffers put into creating this list in order for thugs to be all that they can be in life!

o A TRUE thug NEVER punks out in front of a cop. Act boisterous, even if it means getting you’re a%# kicked "black" and "brown" by the "boys in blue."

o A TRUE thug must ALWAYS maintain control of his "skeezer" (Editor’s note: Refer to the "Signifyin’ " column from last week’s July 19 "Community Journal.") You can’t allow her to talk back to you in front of your homies. Remember bro, you own her! She’s your property.

o A TRUE thug controls all household expenses! He takes his skeezer’s "assistance" check.

o A TRUE thug always pays homage to his fellow homies who have died by spilling a little of his 40 oz. on the ground before taking a long swig, nearly emptying the bottle of the "nectar of the ghetto."

o It is imperative that A TRUE thug has tattoos of his baby (ies) or your baby’s (ies’) mama (if you’re still on speaking terms, of course) or some other clever and menacing words or sayings (like "Thug For Life") on your arms, back, chest and neck.

It is strongly recommended that a thug have the name of the woman (or skeezer) you got pregnant (or the baby’s name) so as not to embarrass yourself when you eventually get around to seeing the little shorty for the first time since his/her birth five years before.

o A TRUE thug must also remember to wear a "wife beater" (or "beater," which is a tank top T-shirt).

Of course, it would be wise to wear a little more than a T-shirt during the winter months.

o A TRUE thug ALWAYS prioritizes getting those expensive hubcaps BEFORE buying pampers, clothes or food for your babies or otherwise contributing to your "skeezer" baby mama.

o A TRUE thug MUST HAVE big booming speakers that take up all available room in the car’s trunk.

The homies and others in the neighborhood MUST be able to hear the "rolling boom box" coming AT LEAST a half block away before the car pulls up.

o A TRUE thug MUST HAVE (as one of his "bling" items) a REALLY big gold or diamond encrusted Cross around his neck. By wearing a Cross, a thug is showing folks his relationship with God.

A true thug is not ashamed to wear a big Cross, even if it does identify him on the video robbing a corner store.

o A TRUE thug always stands posted on the corner "throwing-up" (not the actual physical act denoting a serious illness) your "set" (your ’hood...where you come from...you know...where you live).

o Remember A TRUE thug always "mean mugs" (stares angrily) at least four people a day. This shows people you are "hard" and willing to show your "hardness" at any time, especially if they step on your shoes (or "J-Bones"...which is the nickname for "Air Jordans").

o Speaking of attire (again), A TRUE thug owns at least five White and two Black T-shirts.

o A TRUE thug ALWAYS wears CLEAN boxer shorts when wearing pants halfway off the butt. NEVER wear plain white boxers.

They get "dirty" very easily. Instead, make sure the boxers are colorful or have a lively print pattern on them.

o A TRUE thug NEVER carries "protection." So what if the broad gets pregnant? You’re not going to pay for it (the baby) anyway! It’s her fault!

o A TRUE thug should have a line of credit at a local florist so he’ll always be able to send flowers to his homies’ wake.

o A TRUE thug can survive without a job OR an education (why do you think they have "skeezers" for?).

o A TRUE thug can invent something to say to persuade a 10- or 11-year-old "wannabe" that they won’t go to jail for selling drugs.

o A TRUE thug doesn’t say "my girl!" He says, "my B@#$%."

o A TRUE thug can recite the lyrics to the top 10 rap songs...even if he can’t identify the melody to the "Black National Anthem."

o A TRUE thug is able to ignore the stares and honking horns of frustrated motorists as he blocks traffic to talk to another homie or a "cutie pie" (NOT to be confused with a skeezer!).

o A TRUE thug must have a plasma television and slammin’ stereo system in his rat and roach infested duplex or apartment.

I hope those ‘lil’ shorties" who long to be TRUE thugs will benefit from these "Thug Laws."

After all, if TRUE men can have their own laws to live by, why can’t thugs? They need rules and regulations to be thuggish by! It only seems fair...right?

Sincerely,
A brotha who will NEVER be mistaken for a thug!