Just Venting

Hey, Black (neo) Conservatives: "I quit!"

by Thomas E. Mitchell, Jr.
To: Black conserv ... I mean ... Neo-Black conservatives across the nation.

Re: My membership

Dear fellow Black conserv ... I mean ... Neo-Black conservatives,

I hereby tender my resignation, tear-up my membership card and hand in my secret decoder ring to your august group. And don’t worry about me revealing the secret handshake to anybody. I could never get that thing quite right anyway.

In other words ... I QUIT!

Yeah, that’s right, I’m done. I’ve had it. I want out of this cockamamie pop-stand of a club!

I regret to inform you that I’m going back to being a card-carrying Liberal! "BUSH BAD! HILLARY GOOD!" (Though I’m a little disappointed to learn they no longer hand out decoder rings.

I heard it was because of budget constraints stemming from that big donation the Lib ..., I mean WE LIBERALS made to Senator John Kerry’s presidential campaign-darn that McCain/Feingold campaign fin ... uh ... oh yeah "THANK GOD FOR MCCAIN/FEINGOLD CAMPAIGN FINANCE REFORM! ... whew, that was close!)

Ahhhh, to be touchy feely with the less fortunate; sharing their pain. Joining hands and singing all three (or four ... I think) stanzas of Kuum-bi-yah, while standing around the trash can campfire started in the park with the homeless on those below freezing winter nights!

....Let me get back to you on that one ...

ANYWAY! I’m rejoining the majority. I’ve had it trying to uphold the bloodstained banner of conservatism; telling it like it is in black and white. I’m going back to shades of gray ... there’s more variety with all those pretty shades!

Holding the line on morality, virtue, mom, apple pie and Chevrolet just isn’t cutting it anymore!

Plus I’m tired of getting slapped in the face by elderly old ladies, kicked in the shin by little kids at the order of their Liberal parents, chased by, of all things, "FRENCH POODLES," having groups of people surrounding my apartment unit on nights with a full moon with pitch forks and axes, yelling: "WE MUST KILL THE RIGHT-WING BEAST BEFORE IT VOTES AGAIN!"

It’s just not fun anymore trying to argue positive family values, education, Christian tenants, morality, fiscal restraint, a strong national defense and hard work when you’re outmanned by the folks on the Left and their minions in the media!

They’ve got National Public Radio, the "New York Times," "Washington Post" and a whole lot of other Liberal publications, not to mention "Time" and "Newsweek" magazines espousing homosexuality, anti-vouchers, monopolied public education, Hillary Clinton for President, free love, same sex marriage, the world jointly run by the United Nations and France, legalized marijuana, bringing the troops home from Iraq and giving that country back to Saddam! (Did I say that?)

Uhhh, I mean ... "WHERE ARE THE WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION, HUH BUSH?"

And what about the Liberal press around here. That daily newspaper downtown and the "Shepherd" upholding Left-Wing values. WE JUST CAN’T WIN!

Outnumbered, outgunned (even with their stance on gun control) money wise, "outideologged" (if that’s even a word); I’m tellin’ you guys--and gals ... er, I mean "Ladies" (sorry Condi) it’s not worth the aggravation anymore. If I act "politically incorrect" just one more time, I’m gonna have a cow! I don’t care how many pep talks I get from you guys.

Besides, even some conservatives aren’t what they seem. Why, in the state legislature, there are lawmakers who ran as Conservatives in their elections, but vote with the Liberals. (Low-down "Ri--" ... I mean, "GO RINOs!" (Whew, another close one!).

(Oh, for you folks in Racine, "RINO" stands for "Republicans In Name Only.")

They even got RINOs in the U.S. Congress! They’re sprouting up everywhere. It’s getting so that you just don’t know who your true friends are anymore.

Yeah, Mommas. DON’T let your babies grow up to be Conservatives ... let them become Liberals ... yeeeehah!

Yeah, Liberals have more fun and get paid a lot more to appear on "Larry King Live." They get invited to a lot of parties. You get face time on CNN (with Larry--of course--and that show with the Anderson guy ... you know, the guy who could pass for 18 ... except for his gray hair), fashion spreads in Vanity Fair, kickin’ it with Hollywood "glitterati" (those are actors and actresses who fight global warming, fight for the right to have an abortion and sent "Get Well" cards to Fidel Castro after his recent surgery.)

Heck, if I play my cards right, pucker-up to the right tattooed gluteus maximuses and say all the right "Lib Speak," I might even get invited to the Playboy Mansion. A lot of Liberals hang out there and not all of them wear clothes.

(Now they got the gluteus maximuses by the truckload at that place, if you know what I’m sayin’!)

Yup, I’ve had it with Conservatism. GIVE ME LIBERALISM OR GIVE ME DEATH! (Or a good pop upside the head, at least!)

Sincerely,
A brotha whose gonna take out a subscription to the "New York Times!"