Signifyin'

Relationships, sex, marriage and the Black woman: Views from three brothers

by Mikel Kwaku Osei Holt

Visualize this scenario:
Three Black men standing around discussing why they can’t find the perfect--or near perfect--Black woman for long-term relations; maybe even marriage. A fourth brother, who has been married for over 20 years, observes and occasionally interjects a comment based on his "past" experiences.

The three bachelors are prime material for marriage. Each is college educated, professional brothers, two of whom are strongly religious, none of whom uses drugs, smokes or speaks out of turn (that’s cuss a lot for the naive).

One of the brothers is an African entrepreneur, the second is a writer and the third is a salesman. All three are over 30, in the prime of their lives, and have been in search of Miss Right for a combined 30 years.

Two of them--God forgive--have set their sights high: they want a sister who shares their religious foundation, is educated, career minded, and...this is a big point "and"--doesn’t have children.

Actually, one of the two is starting to waiver on that latter requirement, given that the pool of eligible Miss Rights is significantly reduced when that criterion is applied.

The three brothers have dated to varying degrees and each is interested in marriage, family and the American dream. (I’m pooling their comments to protect the innocent; none wanted their names mentioned out of fear of retaliation, and missed opportunities): Brother A lives the true bachelor’s dream: he dates two or three times a week, with different women, and makes no secret of his refusal to "commit" until he is overwhelmed by Miss Right.

The second brother has been involved in three serious relationships in the last five years, but because of his work schedule and civic demands has not been able to take any of his past relationships to the next level.

He has wavered somewhat on his declaration of a few years ago that he will not date a woman with a child, although he remains leery of "baby daddy drama."

He remains fast to his criteria that his future mate be an "educated, articulate Christian," who shares his value system.

That’s easier said than done, and interestingly, many "sisters" get mad at the brother for even suggesting that he can be so "choosy."

Brother three is an African who moved to America as a teenager. He remains confused by the mindset of Black American women, who he believes are strong, determined, self-confident and self-assured. On the other hand, far too many are promiscuous, unnecessarily bossy and demanding, and unwilling to assume the Christian or African role of traditional wife.

The married man went through the trials and tribulations of dating until finding what he called a life partner. Marriage, he said, requires a lot of hard work. "My marriage has been a roller coaster ride; it has its ups and downs. I married a strong willed Black professional woman, and we still fight over control. We’ve learned to compromise. But it’s hard work because she’s constantly trying to define what a good Black man is. If she’s happy, I’m a good Black man. If she’s not, it’s always my fault."

I threw out a handful of questions while the four brothers chatted, and then stood back and enjoyed their honesty and insight. Again, I intentionally won’t attribute comments to the aforementioned profiles; I think it’s more interesting--and safer--that way.

(I should say that I revealed their answers to several sisters over the last two weeks as I pondered writing this column, and the responses ranged from agreement, to hostile condemnation. As a result, I’m strongly considering another column from a sister’s perspective.)

Question: "Many sisters seem to believe the rumor that there’s a shortage of good Black men. Is it true, and what is a "good Black man?"

"To most of the women I talk to, a good Black man is one that’s working, with no children and not on drugs, or gay," brother number one said. "In truth, too many women want someone they can control, who’s committed to them exclusively. Most women want to define manhood.

"That’s garbage. Too many of these sisters get all up in your face, and judge you based on the last two or three men they dated. If they could just sit back and act like women, instead of mothers, we wouldn’t have half the problems we have."

Brother B: "I don’t think there’s a shortage, it’s just that many Black women today are so...let me say liberated...that most brothers feel like they don’t have a reason to get serious. If you’re a good man, every sister in town is on you.

"In truth, for someone like me who is looking for a Christian woman, with no children and a college education, whose not on drugs, doesn’t smoke and has high moral standards, there’s a shortage...a severe shortage of Black women. It goes both ways."

C: "I’m looking for an African woman, or an African American who is culturally attuned. In Africa, family is important. We don’t have problems of out of wedlock birth, sexual promiscuity and role reversal. So much of this is strange to me. I don’t want a submissive woman. I want a determined woman, but I don’t want to compete with her. If I can’t get a traditional relationship, I want a partnership.

"Black American women are beautiful and self-assured, but too many of them act like Europeans...they don’t accept their true culture...without knowing it, they act White.

Married brother: All of you are right to differing degrees. It’s a double standard today. Many women have a pre-conceived notion about what a good man is based on superficial things. They should look at his heart first."

Question: "A large percentage of Black women today suffer from what I call the Mother/Mate syndrome. By that I mean they are professional, career women who have raised their children by themselves, have been, by design or situation, forced to head their household and assume the role of mother and father. Now, here comes this good man, but they have a problem sometimes distinguishing between whether they are his mate, or his mother. Any validity to that analysis?"

A: "Oh yeah, I see it every day. It’s the biggest problem between men and women today. They want you to be a strong man, but they won’t allow you to assume a role as head of the household.

"That’s why a lot of brothers don’t want to date a woman with children...aside from baby daddy drama.

"None of us want a weak woman, but we don’t want a man either."

B: "Yes, I’ve run into that scenario before. That’s why I preferred a woman without children, who is more in tune to my Christian beliefs.

"On the one hand I can understand it. Too many Black men have abandoned their children, forcing the sister to assume the role of mother and father.

"Black women are the strongest women on the planet; they have had to be. But they should recognize we don’t want someone to boss us around, we want a mate, a partner."

C: "You don’t have that situation in Africa, but it’s commonplace here. You can show strength different ways. Black men must assert themselves. I put the blame on them."

Married brother: "A strong Black man can emerge as head of the household. If there is too much drama, or conflict, then it’s not the place to be; move on. It’s not about competition. But there’s validity to the statement. Sometimes it seems like I’m in a war."

Question: "Have you ever dated a White woman, and how do you compare White and Black women?"

A: "I dated one, but it didn’t work out. I think White women are more submissive; they cater more to their man. Other than that, there’s no difference, except that Black women are more assertive, louder, more direct and less tolerant. Well, I guess that’s a lot of differences..."

B: "No, I’ve never dated a White woman, although I’ve known some platonically. A lot of them are coming out of the weeds, because they see the so-called conflict between Black men and women. And it’s not the fat and rejected White women anymore. There’s some good looking, educated White women who are aggressively going after Black men.

"Brothers used to date White women because they thought they were less inhibited. Now it may be because they are more submissive, if that’s the right word. They won’t argue with a man in public, they won’t get in his face. The one thing Black men fear the most is a sister who gets in his face in public.

"Many Black women want a baby or two, and then hope to find a good man. White women do it the other way around; they want a ring, security. Our family structure has turned upside down in the last 10 years or so."

C. "Taboo. Nothing better than Black women, although there are many challenges here in America, ’cause Black American women have fallen prey to Eurocentric culture without knowing it.

"They (the media) tell them Black men are no good, they are weak and they don’t want to communicate.

"So the Black woman must be strong, and they fall for that too. There needs to be some truth, a national dialogue about roles, realities, and religion. Half of the Black American women come with a ready made family, and then they can’t figure out why a man doesn’t want to get involved."

Married brother: "I almost married a White woman. The one I had was very stereotypical; but she was a good woman. We didn’t get married because of the pressure, from Black and White family. Black women are extremely jealous of White women.

What’s the most important quality a Black women looks for in a man?

There was an overwhelming consensus: Security, followed by good communications skills. The brothers stressed that meant "listening."

Brother A: "They want exclusivity, a man whose going to be there, not cheat, is totally committed and brings something to the relationship."

Married brother: "That process would be easier if sisters didn’t want to determine what a man is, and stopped rewriting the profile every time a new movie comes out."

Question: "My favorite relationship expression is, ‘she wants me to love her like she would love her, if she was me.’ What’s your take on that?"

Absolutely true, two of three said.

Brother B: "There’s a reason why so many sisters are exploring lesbianism: They want someone who they believe understands them; fulfills their emotional needs.

Brother A: "I don’t buy that. Too many sisters are confused: They have come up with a template for a Black man that’s part rapper, part businessman, part gay, part Bruce Lee and part ‘Father Knows Best.’

"And he don’t exist."

Married brother: "They should stop trying to change the man, because what you see is what you get. You can refine, but whatever personality, morals and values you see when you meet him, is his basic M.O. They should understand from the start that men and women are different. Men don’t want to talk all the time. They need to feel a sense of independence even within a relationship. They don’t display intimacy the way women do, and they are not always thoughtful.

"Also, women are monogamous by nature, men have to be trained, or scared into being monogamous. And today that’s even harder because women are so sexually aggressive. As a result, the incentive for getting married is not there, like it was when I was young.

Brother C: "I agree. Black America is going down the tubes. We need to get back to traditional, African-centered values. Black families have been redefined. Marriage is on the endangered species list. We need to look inward. Put part of the blame on Black men. But they follow a woman’s lead.

"I want to get married, but I don’t see it happening anytime soon."

To that, the other brothers shook their heads in agreement.
Hotep